You Think You Know But You Have No Idea – The Diary Of Uncle Fatty: Entry #1

A lot of people ask me how/why I am the way I am, as if it were a potentially simple explanation. I’m not exactly complex, but I’m also not simple either. Many things had to happen for me to be me. Let me rattle off a few

1. My Family – Anyone who knows me knows me immediate family is completely fucking ridiculous. But most people do not know my extended family because I’m not from here, I’m an import. More specifically the Eckert side of my family. We are a clan of well balanced maniacs, for the most part anyway. If it’s on someones mind they’re saying. My grandma has absolutely no filter. This is where I get my brutal honest from.

2. Moving When I Was 14 – Now for an adolescent moving is never easy. But moving to P’burg was like moving to a foreign land. Ya’ll are some country ass motherfuckers. My introduction into Phillipsburg came before the great ghetto migration when everyone from the city started moving here because it was cheap. All I saw was NASCAR shirts and flannel. Needless to say I did not fit in initially. I had to deal with a lot of dumb redneck assholes talking shit because they are, for lack of a better term, fucking retards. This is when I developed the ability to think quickly and rain down insults like I am trying to drown you.

3. Selling Drugs – I always had some kind of a hustle. Whether it was stealing candy boxes from the Ag Shop in high school and selling them two for one or selling cigarettes for a dollar a piece and I didn’t smoke. But as I got older hustling took on a darker tone. After cashing a huge overtime check I picked up an ounce of weed and not even knowing that many people I figured it’d last me about 5 days. It was gone in 6 hours. I was hooked. Ounces went to pounds within 4 months. I had 5+ people working for me. Spending 3 grand in a weekend didn’t matter because we could make it back in two days. This is when I learned the art of the hustle and how, with a little brains, the sky is the limit.

4. Weed – I love mary jane. This is no secret. Even though selling it fucked my life up for the better part of 5 years, smoking it hands down changed it for the better. It opened my mind. Not in a weirdo hippy way, but in an inquisitive way. It made me always want to know what made people tick and why they do the shit they do. It made me laugh harder then I’ve ever laughed in my life, several times. It brought out the funny outrageous motherfucker I love being and took away the angry jerkoff I hated being. This is when I realized being the way I want to be is much better then being the way everyone else thinks I should be.

5. Prison – Prison made me a man. It showed me real quick how little your government, local or federal, really gives a shit about you. They made me an offer. Snitch and you get probation, plead guilty and give up your car and get 3 years, keep your car and get 5 years . Where I’m from, that’s extortion. But they call it justice. Snitching wasn’t an option, I definitely did that shit so a trial wasn’t an option and I didn’t really give a fuck about that car, so 3 years it was. Not a serious amount of time but I would soon find out 1 day in jail is too many days in jail. I didn’t have many problems because I naturally get along with everybody, minded my own fucking business and I’m 6 foot 220 lbs so I’m not what they would consider an easy target. Shit went down, but some shit had to go down. More importantly I no longer was Nick Eckert. I was 722872D. That’s all you are, a number in a jump suit who they fed like shit and treated even shittier. Administration was more fucked up than any inmate could be. They take away your humanity and throw you into a wolves den, where you are either a wolf or food. This turned me into an emotionless person who thought only of survival. This is what made me ruthless.

6. Women – If you read my posts, you clearly know I know what I’m talking about when it comes to women. But I was not born with this knowledge. It has been obtained by observing actions and having some of the most outrageously fucked up relationships you could imagine. Women taught me how to be evil. Women showed me when it comes to another persons feelings that if they don’t line up with what they want then they, in fact, do not matter. So I needed weapons. The only way to beat a woman is to understand her and fuck her like you hate her. So I made it a point to excell in bed and in conversation. A woman will tell you everything you need to know about her , all you need to do is ask the right questions. But we all have that ONE GIRL, who has you acting fuckin’ crazy. Like showing up at her moms house in your jammies and runnin from the front door to the back door screaming for “this to bitch to get her lyin skank ass the fuck out here”. True story. This bitch fucked me up but good. No matter how nice I was to her she treated me like a total asshole, and I took it because I “loved” her. But one can only take so much and eventually I ended it, but little did I know it was just the beginning. Needless to say it didn’t get any better. I can honestly say, if I didn’t punch this bitch in the face then I’ll NEVER hit a female. Women taught me how to be heartless. But one in particular, who is currently in the lead position to be the queen of F.A.T. Entertainment, taught me true happiness. So ultimately this is when I learned to not give a fuck, because whatever is going to happen is going to happen, so you might is well enjoy the ride and know when to bail out and know when to strap in for the long haul. or else life just sucks and then you die.

And Who Says Falling In Love Makes You Go Soft?

Very recently, and more often, I am being posed with a question. Since you’re wifed up are you going to soften up? Take it easy on people? Be more sensitive? Actually. It is the complete fucking opposite. Let me explain.

I have a woman, key word woman, who loves me very much. And she loves me for me. The raunchy, obnoxiously loud, brutally honest me. That is not easy. Many women have miserably failed where she effortlessly succeeded. How do you ask? Well, besides the fact that she’s gorgeous, very smart and amazing in bed, she lets me be me and simply laughs at me and rolls her eyes. Do you know how hard it is to take me in public? I’m a really loud, vulgar 7 year old. Don’t get me wrong. If its a nice place I’ll class it up…I whisper. But regardless, she just laughs. She loves that side of me, god help her. But what people don’t usually get is, you can’t “fix” me. Many have tried, all have failed. She simply loves the shit out of me. No one has ever looked at me the way she looks at me, she adores me. And i adore her. She takes care of me. She cooks. She’s independent and hold’s down anywhere from 2-3 jobs. She is fucking awesome.

So i look at it like this. Who the fuck do i have to impress? I already have someone who loves me, and not that puppy love impulse shit. Legit caring about someone more then you thought someone could. Fuck the rest of you, no offense. I care what no one thinks at this point, personality wise, about me. I already have the love of my woman and my amazing group of friends, who also love me for the foul mouthed maniac that I am, and I love them just as much. I don’t have time to worry about your emotions. My Give-A-Shit List is all filled up sorry bro. So to every filthy slut, douche lord, tool box, junkie faggot, anal astronaut, Alabama “rock” blaster, Hong Kong cum lotus, abominable slam swine, semen demon and all of their lawyers. Try me if you want to. I can’t promise that I won’t try to verbally rape your soul. I don’t care if you like me. I have enough people who do.

The Phenomenon That Is, Valentine’s Day.

This Valentine’s Day has left me feeling reflective, which in turn has got me thinking. How is it that one day can lead to so much joy and misery in equal measure? For every person who loves the idea of one single day dedicated to all that is mushy another person despises it with the every fiber of their being. The only real grey area in the whole phenomenon that is Valentine’s Day is the contingent of people who could really give a shit either way, I happen to fall into this area. I have had fantastic Valentine’s Days and I’ve had horrific Valentine’s Days, I once filled a girls entire bedroom up with pink roses, pink being her favorite color, and do you know what this bitch said to me when she seen it? “Well I know I’m not cleaning this shit up.” (I couldn’t even make that kind of ruthless shit up.) But I’ve also spent Valentine’s Day with someone who, at the time, I legitimately loved and it was a really special day. But it is just that, a day. Mostly brought into existence by retail conglomerates to sell shit in February, because there is nothing else remotely interesting about February besides the fact that it’s Black History Month. The weather sucks and footballs over, it is just not a premiere part of the calender. But partially because people, whether they care to admit it or not, want to be loved, even if it is just one day. But just as New Years signifies a clean slate on a new year Valentine’s Day is a potential make or break holiday for quite a few relationships. Why you ask? Because with all the emotions that are brought out of you and your “Valentine” the pressure to meet all the holiday induced expectations proves to be too much for some couples. (I seen like 11 people go from “in a relationship” to “single” today, just a quick snapple fact.) While for some couples it either builds or rebuilds the kinds of feelings that make you truly love someone else. I too had someone to make smile this year and I, without going into too much detail, succeeded in doing so. That’s what this day should be about, just make someone smile. Not the jewelry or the expensive dinners or whatever other extravagant gift you had in mind kind of smile, which is nice, but the kind when you bought her her favorite colored roses (if you can’t remember it won’t be that big of a deal, girls fucking love flowers. Fact.), cooked her favorite dinner (even if you did kind of burned the chicken parm, she’ll let you slide.) and wrote her a nice note inside of the corniest card you could find. (I’m not explaining this one, you just need to trust me junior.). Even if your Valentine is your best friend, your mom, your aunt, your dad, your grandmother or whoever all the really want is for you to make them smile. And if a heartfelt card doesn’t make someone smile, they’re surely a heartless materialistic piece of shit and you shouldn’t want to be dedicating a whole fucking day, let alone the bulk of your time, to them anyway.

The “LOL” Effect

Since Nokia brick phones and AIM, shortening of phrases into nifty acronyms has become a staple in our everyday lives. But none has had a more interesting effect on human interaction than 3 simple letters, L-O-L. Along with the other easy clean-up acronym, JK, Lol has managed to turn some of the most absurd and offensive comments into something simply said in jest. You can say some shit like, “you’re the biggest scumbag piece of shit have ever met, lol” or some creepy shit like “wouldn’t it be awesome to get drunk and just fuck me, jk jk jk”. These two short sequence of letters have managed to become the ultimate tone changers in the texting lexicon, and it seems like the effect will be lasting. I mean let’s be real here, we’ve all utilized this. The guy you LOL’d to death because you didn’t want to talk to him falls under this category, as does when you say something you know you really meant but you add JK on the end in order to ease the blow. It’s pretty much like when you say no offense and then proceed to say something remarkably offensive, just because you try to use words to make what you said sting less doesn’t make it a noble effort. In reality, you are cheating yourself as well as the recipient of your acronym choice. Your cheating yourself by being fake, as well as exposing yourself as a quasi-coward. You cheat the recipient by watering down something you really meant, now depending on whether it was something they needed to hear or you’re just being a complete dick, this deprives them of valuable information to use towards knowing whether to trust your shady ass or not. I’m hoping by now this is making sense to a large percentage of you, mostly women I’ll assume since they do this shit more then anyone, and that you have the mental capacity to not be so wishy washy and grow a pair of nuts and say what it is you mean. Trust me when i tell you, being real will get you leaps and bounds farther then being a two faced faggot. Moral of the story? Grow some balls.

Treat Her Like A Princess, F#@k Her Like A Porn Star: 3 Simple Ways To Keep A Girl Happy

          This may come across as a slight abrasive theory, maybe even borderline obnoxious, but hopefully after you read further the main focus of this post becomes clearer.

        Contrary to what you may believe, women don’t want to fuck you more the shittier you treat them. If your idea of a women is idiot hoes with zero to no self esteem, then yes, that particular tactic is probably your safest bet and you might as well just stop reading now. But those of you who can’t tell the difference between a one night stand and wifey material and want to learn your going to want to continue. Now, most of the time, women are simpler then we tend to give them credit for. Usually, all it takes to keep a real women happy are 3 apparently not so simple things. 1. Make Her Smile 2. Make Her Feel Special 3. Make Her Cum. While this may SOUND simple,  the proper application of these tactics seems to go over the head of most men, this is a fucking fact. Buying flowers ONLY when you fuck up does not count, doing something for her ONLY becaused she asked you to does not count and eating her out until she gets off ONLY once a month most certainly does not count. So listen up assholes, you might learn you some shit.

• Make Her Smile – Depending on your ladies sense of humor, or yours for that matter, this could vary in difficulty. But there are a few sure fire ways to make even the most cold hearted bitch melt. Try to remember her favorite thing off the menu and bring it to her for absolutely no reason, text her “miss you” in the middle of the day out of nowhere, send flowers to her at work. As you will need to be creative, you must also know your girl. Nothing makes a girl smile like a man who actually gets her.
• Make Her Feel Special – This may seem a similar task to making her smile, but you would be incorrect my friend. This one takes a little more effort and thought. Remind her exactly how happy she makes you when you see she’s not happy at all, it shows her your ignoring whatever is on your mind at the moment and your just trying to make her feel better. Defend her, she may not thank you and she may not even acknowledge it, but she most certainly noticed and most likely meant the world to her. Instead of buying her something ridiculous for her birthday or Valentines Day, make her something simple and write her a nice card (if you need help with this i do accept PayPal). Its not about what you do, but how you do it. You remember that and this won’t be all that difficult of a task.
• Make Her Cum – Here is where you have to put some real work in, its the attention to details that count here.   Now you might think you’ve gotten her off, but if you have to “think” you did then you probably haven’t yet.   Some tips on how to ensure she never forgets how good you were are as follows.   Eat pussy, and not only eat pussy be good at it. I could explain to you how to eat pussy, but since i don’t have time for all that i will tell you the easiest way. Watch lesbian porn, nobody knows how to please a girl like a girl does.   Ask questions, remember knowledge is power.   If you suck up your pride and dont just assume your way is the best way, you can not only learn the best way to get her to explode you also gain some new moves for your “arsenal”. Most importantly, you have to eat pussy….I’m sorry but, and most females would agree, this bears repeating.  If you can combine the latter two categories with the talent to make her entire body shake when your done fucking, you will have her pressed to have any real complaints about you.

 

While these 3 things will not guarantee a successful relationship, but lets be real nothing does, it will most certainly make it easier to build one. Anything worthwhile takes time. Think about it, would you rather live in the tent you can set up in 10 minutes or the house it took you 4 months to build?

You Want Honesty? Well…

People regularly say they wish more people were honest, but is that really what they want? The girl trying to figure out if her man’s cheating or not, does she really want to find out he’s fucking her best friend or just be fed enough information to help her believe nothings going on? When most people ask for the truth they’re pretty much saying “just tell me what the fuck i wanna hear.”. How do i know this? From experience. I pride myself on being honest, brutally honest at times, but it is not always met with the greatest of reactions. From what ive gathered a lie gets you rewarded and the truth is met with resentment. Instead of being considered fake or a liar the dishonest fuck gets to hide behind the veil of “i dont want any problems”. Your just a coward who would rather be deceitful than face the music.

But, much to my chagrin, my honesty has gotten me branded an asshole and a bully. Sure, its a particularly harsh brand of honesty, but so fucking what. Have you all been lied to so much that someone who says exactly how they feel is such an outrageous concept to you that you need to make such a big deal about what i have to say? I guess its just how it is these days. But, regardless of the outcome, i will remain the same way i’ve always been, confidently humble and unapologetically real. And if you don’t like it you can politely suck my dick, and my balls if you got the time. Remember, to be dishonest is easy, to be truthful, not so much.

So it begins…

Putting the finishing touches on this new foray. Promise you will not be disappointed. Should be fully funtioning by friday.